MOBILE MARKETING STAR SIGNS


HARNESSING YOUR ASTROLOGICAL SIGN TO BOOST YOUR MARKETING

TXT MIKE PAXMAN
ART DANILA RICCIO

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU SPEND FIVE YEARS IN MOBILE MARKETING?

Why, the ability to commune with the ethereal beings from beyond the stars, of course!

Mike Paxman is Adjust’s premier whisperer of the Eldritch secrets
(otherwise known as Global Product Communications Manager).

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ARIES

MAR 21 – APR 20

Aries are all about winning, ideally while having time to look back and gloat. You can channel both your confidence and short-tempered nature by simply spending 100% of your ad budget on whichever network sends you a cold-call email first. Heck — spend 200% of your budget! Don’t even apologize to your boss — you’ll have his job by this time next year anyway.

TAURUS

APR 21 – MAY 21

The duality of the Gemini sign can hamper you with indecisiveness, but also enables you to adapt quickly. No other sign can set up and cancel ad campaigns as fast as you: spend an hour organizing a complex year-long campaign just to then cancel the whole thing in a burst of fear. Spend the rest of your day re-arranging the two objects on your desk while alternating between self-loathing and deeper, more intensive
self-loathing.

GEMINI

MAY 22 – JUN 21

The duality of the Gemini sign can hamper you with indecisiveness, but also enables you to adapt quickly. No other sign can set up and cancel ad campaigns as fast as you: spend an hour organizing a complex year-long campaign just to then cancel the whole thing in a burst of fear. Spend the rest of your day re-arranging the two objects on your desk while alternating between self-loathing and deeper, more intensive
self-loathing.

CANCER

JUN 22 – JUL 22

Cancers are often criticized for being moody, and possibly even manipulative. As a Cancer yourself, you realize that this is of course completely accurate. It doesn’t actually matter how well your marketing does because you have all the C-levels wrapped around your finger. Drop all your budget on high-risk Bitcoin stocks, then manipulate your boss into buying you a new car. You deserve it!

LEO

JUL 23 – AUG 22

As the king of the jungle, you’re bursting with creativity, passion and cheer. Harness this vibe by running efficient mobile marketing campaigns, but with your face as the creative. Don’t even mention the app. Don’t ask your users to install or shop. Literally just use your face. Your users, your company, and that one dude in the street you talked to last week for an hour about your cookie recipe will thank you later.

VIRGO

AUG 23 – SEP 23

You’re really good at mobile marketing, because you’re analytical and hardworking. You know this. I know this. But we also both know that your crippling self-doubt will stop you from ever launching your campaigns. Accept this. Take all the work you did over this week and dump it in the trash. Throw your laptop in there too. Gosh, you didn’t even throw your laptop properly. You just can’t do anything right, can you?

LIBRA

SEP 24 – OCT 23

Diplomatic and gracious, Libras truly are the kindest of mobile marketers. Some would say this is a weakness, but they just don’t understand the benefit of gathering 40 people to do a job that takes only one person. When setting up mobile campaigns, make sure you have at least 15 coworkers present, as well as your parents and family pets. Spend four hours asking them if they like the ad before launching it, then ostracize one for the rest of their life for offering even the slightest amount of creative criticism.

SCORPIO

OCT 24 – NOV 23

Resourceful, brave and... disturbing, Scorpios truly are the ticking time-bombs of the world. They make for excellent leaders, but it’s important to harness your more insane characteristics in your management style. Break the office coffee machine during your Black Friday campaigns. Fight a swan in a public park every time a user reattributes. This is the only way to garner the respect you deserve.

SAGITTARIUS

NOV 23 – DEC 21

The “idea guy” of the zodiac, you’re always thinking about where the company is going next. Sure, sometimes you accidentally overpromise, or say things that are best left unsaid, but it’s all for the greater good! Harness this energy by purchasing wildly inaccurate hit-pieces on all your competitors. Ignore the complaints from legal! You’re doing this to bring users THE TRUTH! Or at least the truth you spent four hours writing onto your competitors’ Wikipedia page.

CAPRICORN

DEC 22 – JAN 20

Emotions? Feelings? Hope? These are the three demons you have slain to become the king of responsibility and self-control. You check your ads’ performance every hour on the hour, without fail. Should one of your campaigns prove inefficient, it’s important to calmly and rationally address it with your UA manager. Be fair, but clear. Something like “You have failed me. 24 hours from now I shall cleave your soul from this mortal realm” should do the trick.

AQUARIUS

JAN 21 – FEB 18

Progressive and forward-thinking, the Aquarian marketer is always looking for the newest innovation to refresh their ads. Your flexibility when it comes to change is an asset — try sticking QR codes to your app store page on people’s sunglasses, or tattooing them onto unsuspecting narcoleptics. Be quick and quiet in your work, so you can then sneak back home and hide under a pile of old newspapers, lest someone asks you to express your emotions.

PISCES

FEB 19 – MAR 20

As a Pisces, the musicality and design of the modern mobile ad is beautiful to you. The romance of the text moving across the screen! The spirituality of the call to action! Truly, mobile is your calling. After all, it’s the only thing that distracts you from the sorrow of life. Try slamming your entire budget down on some extremely risky CPC ads, just so the voices in your head asking “When did the world become so cold? What is it to love?” quiet down for a while.